Adoraida Has a Fish Mouth

ANOOOO TOOOOOO HAMPUTANGINA
HAHAHAHHAA NAPAKA UNSTABLE HAHAHHAHh puta ;’(

Sarap tuktukan eh!
Sarap tampalin.
Iniisip ko nagseselos to LOL HAHAHHAA

OK :(
sobra naman para maghiatus…

Ohhh i thank myself for having this blog.
I can actually say anything without anyone assuming my intentions, even if it’s true.

So today, I found out he is hurting.
His ex texted him “take care” and that made his heart crushed.
Well, mine too.
But I shrugged it off because I am aware that He still loves her no matter what.It’s a situation I can’t change but can completely understand so might as well be the stronger one.
This made it clear that I am a Rebound.
A mere friend who can’t move a thing.
Even if I waste all my time making him feel better, It’ll only push him to miss her more.
What kind of trap is this.
I am starting to pratctice being an objectivist: have an active mind instead of using vague feelings to describe what my state is.
I asked him questions about what he actually feels to make it clear for me.
Me: “so ibig sabihin love mo pa din sya..”
Him: “i don’t know :(”
Me: “that means yes”

I will not lie, I’m starting to like him, even cried to him because he is growing in me..but because of this inconsistency, I feel like quitting is the answer to save myself. A quicksand waiting to suck me in.

Hours after I gave up, he said he “missed me” 

That totally changed the course of what I planned of ehem, making him invisible to my world wide web spaces, and hiding all his accounts so I can never hear anything from him… like i did to my previous flirty endeavors .

how the fuck is that going to be easy?!
that’s a first, definitely a first, for me.
even as a joke.
I’d take it personally. 
I’m stupid?
yes? 

…and then we chatted for hours, about why he’s sad lately. BECAUSE I ASKED HIM WHY, that’s how I break the ice. Just kept asking why to get my answers. What happened to my strong stance? naahh, ditched it the moment he went online. I became happy and then suddenly all my doubts: gone. I hope he is happy too, the fuck, he’s making me work hard for it. If one asks me “why are you doing this?” My answer would be, “I don’t know, I really don’t.. ”  This is not love because, fuck love, I’m passed that.  I will definitely cry over this boy, that’s for sure, when? ..don’t know too. 

Maybe I’m analyzing the situation too much? or I read too much horoscope? You know what, maybe I over-think on what is going on here that he just wants a friend, and I happen to be available at the moment, but as for me, I take his gestures too personally that I mistakenly think he somewhat likes me, how’s that?! BUT..  well.. ughh.. that’s a lot of time to waste on a person like me, and why become sad while I’m sad?, and why mention my name to your statuses? and why tell them what we do?? huh? that’s… something. 

Should I let go? let it pass? or pretend that nothing is happening? 
There’s a weird and euphoric energy hovering around us and talking about it would make the thrill go away, proper communication will kill the stimulus. I think it’s best to just let it all out like no one cares, like what he said, go with the flow. 

He’s the one who warned me not to expect emotional response anyways.
He’s the one who gave me the choice to leave or stay.
He’s the one who fucking make me crazy with this manly puzzle.
I like puzzles.
:’(

Stupid Neanderthal.  

My hands are trembling with pain and excitement whilst typing this shitty bipolar blog. 

After one and a half month of chummy lines and hide and seeks, I can now say that it’s over.

I think a line was drawn without us noticing. I can’t deal with it anymore, I feel like I am going to lose myself if I keep holding on. He already knows I’m weak and kept using it again and again, no matter how strong the stance i make, I just can’t help but to feel for him.
He kept saying he’s bored or whatever that he might take some “happy pills” again like he used to, the teenage use and abuse phase, I mean what kind of fool is that?! Can’t you amuse yourself? You’re pushing 30 wtf! Go out! Climb a mountain!!
I, myself, is a pessimist, no doubt. One time, I thought if ever i find someone like me that would be cool. Uhm. NO. That’s the worst, nothing will happen if i find someone as lazy as me.

No regrets though, this is what I decided to run my fingers through in the first place, despite the visible warning signs of “do not touch, WET PAINT!” hey, i can always wash my hands right? I think It’s best if the world should leave him alone first, before he could appreciate the value of having a company. He mopes a lot, I do too, but he’s a guy, I mean the fuck, you can wave your dick and get all the girls you want :/ It’s so frustrating. I dont even know if I’m the one who bores him or generally, he does not want to deal with me anymore.

That’s ok, we can’t always get what we want. Whenever he expresses his softy side he takes it back a few seconds after. I get it, he’s confused, but I don’t want to be the girl who takes up a space then once a better comes in, would be casted out like a dirt by a broom. I just knew that being a wine cork would be my role, I just knew. He’s becoming like my father, and oh! the dread!!!

Why do I end up with the same type of men?! Do not find love on the internet, that’s for sure. LOL

Well, another good way to be burned. My co-worker told be that I should expose myself with these kind of traumas. In that way, I would learn how to deal with all the dramas and able to know the mechanics of the love game. You don’t have to cry everytime, you just have to know when to flip the coin and btw, always choose the heads.

PUTANG INA.

hindi ko napigilan at tinanong ko ang putang ina kung saan sya galing, puta bumalik pala ng maynila..
puta talaga, nahihirapan akong lunukin ang pride ko :(

Hindi ko napigilang magtanong.. Sinabi kong asar na asar ako kasi bigla syang nawawala, ang arte ko lang :/
puta yung sorry na parang tuwang tuwa pa eh :(

T_____T tangina what is this.

Eh kug umalis din kaya ako bigla sa putanginang internet na ito.

Puta naman kasi isang araw na syang wala, puta di man lang nagsabi na “hoy puta, isang araw o dalawa ako mawawala dahil kailangan kon tapusin hamputaenang projects ko kaya puta ka wag ka maparanoid” maiintindihan ko naman eh puta talagang nakakamiss hamputangina :’(

nakakaistress ang mga lalaki puta talaga, sana apathetic na lang ako sa mga ganito, puta dapat nga immune na eh, kung maka arte, girlfriend? tangina talaga!!! gusto kong puntahan sya sa kanila at talakan sabay iyakan ng “puta ka, san ka magpunta??” habang hinahampas ko sya ng paulit-ulit.

At ang gwapo n putangina sa huling picture na sinend nya puta kumakain pa ng isaw :( puta talaga sya napaka paasa :(

Ayoko naaaa puta :(

at bigla ko gusto magtago sa twitter HAHAHA!!
kasi hindi na mapagpanggap na profile yung ginagamit nya sa twitter, gusto nya ako i-follow pero ayaw ko sya i-add!!!! HAHAHAH!! pending!!!
Anyways, kahapon, puta nagkaaminan na!!! bale hindi sya masaklap, it’s like knowing where your place is. There’s no label, pero it’s there. Not official, no commitment. But It is there. both parties are willing, pero may takot factor haha!
So friends lang kami, pero risky. The bahala na chuchu. magulo talaga, pero ibang level ng friendship! Nagulat ako nung sinabi nya na “kung nandito ka lang pageeksperimentuhan natin yang sinasabi mo para di tayo napagiiwanan”
Hindi sya masakit, actually, ayoko maging panakip butas, excuse me lang ha! Pero nakakatuwa kasi hindi na sya mysterious hahaha.. Alam ko yung mga tipo nya hindi basta basta nagkkwento, at nakakatuwa na dumaldal sya sa akin.
Hindi naman ako umaasa, pero nakakatuwa lang na may makakausap kang lalaking pag tinanong mo sumasagot, walang ligoy ligoy, alam mo agad haha~
hindi pa sya handa, ako ma ang nagsabi sa kanya. lol

I’m trying my very best not to talk to him, it’s so hard not to ask how his day was or what’s wrong.. He seemed sad… But I can’t, I can’t always be there for him. it will only put more oil in water.

This is my test of how sincere he is. I’ve read so much denials from him.. i want to see how he can live up with his reactions. Well, Am i taking it too seriously? Yes and no, yes because it’s a potential mate and No, I won’t lose hope in finding one.

Im the type of person who believes in everything what the person i trust say. Gullible?! Yes. Sometimes, i lose my smartness when Im flighty. Even if I know the truth, I have formed a habit of being stubborn within myself. bouts with my own thoughts has becoming a routine rather than a process. It never ends.

Everytime I talk to him, a liitle bit of me dies. I swallow my pride and lose a little bit of dignity. It just feels like not me. What we’ve been dpong is not a game, I am now taking it personally. No matter how I convince myself that it’s just for fun, let’s be real, I can’t help but to take it seriously. I feel like Im wasting time aiming at the clouds, i see it’s there, like a fluffy cotton, beautiful and all, but once the arrow hits the sky, it’s just mists. nothing’s there.

oh what have i done. o___O
This is not love. No not at all.

Here’s a quick snapshot of my reality: I am well aware to what my father has done to his mistress that it’ll most likely will be my path.

And then the babbling begins…

What goes around, comes around. Flirting, even if it’s fun could end up with three outcomes. One, you’ll both develop feelings for each other, two one person might feel something deeper while the other thinks it’s still a game, and three end of a friendship.
With my stage, I don’t know, I have never felt this importance, this lust for someone who I barely know. Loneliness is a bastard, it can make you needy and weak. A small attention can be a world to you because finally, someone fills the void.
Intention.
We wouldn’t know unless we ask, but the fear of rejection after rejection which supposedly numb you, ends up stacking more fear and insecurity. It’s so hard to swallow the pride you decreased especially from someone you learned to trust. But hey, at least it’s all clear right?

——
I have no idea of what state I’m in. I feel elated and at the same time frightened to what I pushed myself into. I just dont want to be played and duped again. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND A MATE DAMN IT.

I think i should look inwards, of how I would improve myself, not for others, but for me. I haven’t read a decent book for the past months and the last time I did a photowalk, it was a complete failure. I should not depend on his attention or give him what he always want to hear, People lose interest over time, if you don’t give them enough space to breathe.

You know what’s sweet? When you ask a boy something ridiculous and he does it for you. Even if he’s not sure, he still do it. i feel like a sucker for those cutie efforts. I cant help but ask, WHY IS HE DOING THIS?!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??! is he *that* bored?! c’mon who in the right mind would actually look gay just for you. I AM ASSUMING, YES.

seriously, what should i do with this guy.? He seems nice, i like him, but i can’t.. i have a lot questions.
I feel like he’s playing me because he knows Im weak.
Damn it.

No reblogging. i know someone who wants to reblog this kind of shits.

Hello,this would be the first time that i would blog using my windows phone, fuck it’s so hard.. I feel like my thumbs are prancing around a freaking sticky glass haha, weird sensation.

Anyways. It’s been over a month when i stopped communicating with the bastard, hell, his world really got quiet. No one was talking to him, from the circle of our common friends, that often as it was when i used to stupidly catch his attention. I know it, cause i e-stalked him once in a while, for fun. Haha! WELL, my silence went well until recently he’s on this bouts of being concerned and all, which suprised me by the way, he almost never initiate a conversation or ask me with things that anyone could simply google.

And after our online chats, he started to post vague statuses again of how he “feels” like he used to do, (which i noticed took a halt, when i silenced myself by not answering vaguely through my own statuses, true maturity right there!) it is the oddest thing!